The scene is all too familiar (especially in July when newly-graduated MDs begin their residencies and think they know everything now that they’ve earned the title of doctor): A first year resident walks in the room. They begin explaining my special needs son’s medical conditions to me as if I’m new at this and haven’t been taking care of a complex medically fragile kid for the last 15 years. Even worse, they usually talk right over my wife as if she isn’t in the room.
A Mona Lisa like smile slowly creeps over my wife’s face. She knows what comes next. My level of frustration with the arrogance will eventually reach a point where I can take it no longer. Once the doctor finally lets me get a word in edgewise (or, if necessary and they’ve really turned the arrogance dial to 11 I’ll interrupt them), I’ll casually mention that my wife is a board certified pediatrician who has been in practice for over a decade. The room typically goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop, followed by profuse apologies to Dr. Pence over and over and over again.
The situation plays out a little differently each time: some doctors quickly realize that we don’t need to be lectured about basic medicine like we’re toddlers; others have gone so far as to argue with my wife about whether or not one of the medications on my son’s medication list even exists. And in case you’re wondering: yes, the medication that sparked that argument exists, was spelled correctly on my son’s medication list, and was prescribed by another of my son’s doctors, but since the particular new doctor in the room had never heard of it, in his mind, if he didn’t know about it, it didn’t exist. The end result is always the same: a physician (usually a resident, but occasionally a fellow or even an attending physician) ends up humiliated, ego bruised, and profusely apologizing to my wife.
I’d like to tell you that the sexist issue of doctors talking to me and over my wife is unique to male physicians. I’d be lying if I said so. Sadly, in our experiences, female physicians who aren’t aware that my wife is a doctor are just as likely to talk over her as their male counterparts (that could be an interesting study in institutionalized sexism and its effects on physician-patient/parent interaction for any social scientists looking for a new research project).
I’ve seen this same thing play out with developers and IT staff as well. A programmer or sysadmin with a lack of social skills assumes themselves to be the smartest one in the room. The act may last for a period of time, but eventually, they will find themselves faced with someone with far more knowledge and experience, perhaps even someone outside of tech but with significant expertise in another domain. Sometimes the egotist will capitulate and humbly acknowledge that they aren’t the best and brightest, other times they will attempt to assert their dominance, but the end result will either be a bruised ego or a broken team with the best and brightest employees leaving for greener pastures elsewhere rather than stay and deal with an inflated ego.
Always assume that others may know more than you. Even if you’re the leading subject matter expert in one content area, you are not the leading subject matter expert in every discipline. Treat others with respect and be willing to both teach and learn from others. Doing so will build better teams and replace mutual distrust and competition with mutual respect and team improvement.